20 Insights from Bargaining for Advantage: Negotiation Strategies for Reasonable People

Negotiation is a skill anyone can master, yet few people actually do. I've summarized the 20 best ideas from Richard Shell's Bargaining for Advantage: Negotiation Strategies for Reasonable People, ideas used by elite negotiators to command respect and secure optimal deals. Learn why cooperation, listening, and patience are better tools than ruthlessness, tricks, and manipulation. Stop relying on gut reactions and build methodical expertise. The difference between amateur and professional results isn't innate ability — it's these specific, actionable skills you can implement today.

Idea #1: The Key Traits: Knowledge, Competence, Preparation, and Patience

In general, your credibility as an influencer comes from people’s perceptions of four things: your authority, knowledge, competence derived from real-world experience, and trustworthiness. The best negotiators…exhibit four key habits that reliably improve their negotiation results. They are: a willingness to prepare, high expectations, the patience to listen, and a commitment to personal integrity.

The average negotiator doesn’t properly prepare, talks more than they listen, and relies on tricks and games to “win” the negotiation. This usually fails.

The best negotiators extensively prepare, winning the negotiation before it starts. They listen as a tool to get information. They are patient as they let the other side reveal more and don’t rush to early, but suboptimal, agreements. They’re trustworthy but not pushovers.

Idea #2: You can be cooperative and still succeed

Contrary to popular belief, cooperative people have excellent potential to become highly skilled negotiators.

It’s a misconception you need to be ruthless. While there are times you’ll have to stand your ground, call out malicious behavior, and perhaps show a little anger, most value is created through collaboration and finding creative solutions for all sides, not just getting what you want.  

Idea #3: Embrace the 3rd person advocate perspective as you can negotiate harder from an independent, less emotional perspective

Negotiate as an advocate for others. Here is a striking finding from negotiation research: both sexes perform equally well in experiments when subjects are told to negotiate as agents on behalf of others such as clients, families, and firms rather than on their own behalf…My advice: bring that professional mind-set to all your negotiations. When negotiating for a raise, think of yourself as advocating for your family or your future retired self, all of whom need financial security.

It's helpful to take yourself and your emotions out of the negotiation. When you imagine yourself advocating on behalf of someone else, you bring an independent and protective purpose to the negotiation, rather than getting emotionally hijacked because you’re so close to the process.

Idea #4: Use standards and authority, especially if previously used by the other side; and be careful what standards you reference, as the other side will hold you to them

…the best arguments are always the ones that the other party accepts as legitimate or has used to his or her own advantage in the past….When the other party justifies its proposal using fairness standards you have publicly committed yourself to in the past, you have a problem. You must either walk away from the standards (and look like a hypocrite) or debate their application to the present case—a move that subtly moves you toward the other side’s position.

Standards and norms rely on the consistency principle for their power in negotiation. But some standards and norms are more powerful than others...These gain their traction from the well-documented human tendency to defer to authority.

Authority and standards are powerful tools to set the ranges and targets for the negotiation. As you prepare, get as many references and authoritative data points as you can to bolster your arguments, and of course, research the other side’s likely standard they’ll rely on to make their arguments.

Idea #5: Code of Conduct: Be Trustworthy, Be Fair, and Always Call Out Unfairness

Boiled down to its essence, the norm of reciprocity in negotiation amounts to a simple, three-step code of conduct. First, you should always be trustworthy and reliable yourself. Second, you should be fair to those who are fair to you. Third, you should let others know about it when you think they have treated you unfairly. Unfair treatment, left unnoticed or unpunished, breeds exploitation—followed by resentment and the ultimate collapse of the relationship.

You’ll get more out of negotiations by being trustworthy and fair than playing games and manipulating the other side. If manipulation is happening to you, you have to call it out and identify it, which sets the standard that you 1) see through their games and 2) won’t tolerate it.

Idea #6: Focus on Finding Common Ground

The skilled negotiators’ focus on areas of common ground led to another significant difference between the groups. The skilled negotiators developed about twice the number of possible settlement options in their planning than the less skilled group did and appeared to try harder to anticipate options the other side would suggest. Search for low-cost options that solve the other party’s problems while advancing your goals.

Most people just focus on just getting what you want and say the hell with the other side. Instead, focus on getting a better deal for everyone. This starts with preparation, generating as many possible alternative solutions as you can. If you wait until the negotiation starts, you’ll get tunnel vision and just resort to safe, inefficient solutions like splitting the difference.

Idea #7: What to Learn from Hostage Negotiators

Overall, given the leverage situation that exists early on in most hostage crises, the best move is a counterintuitive one: you should acknowledge the hostage taker’s power, indicate that you have relinquished control of the immediate situation to him (hostage takers are almost always men), and, as odd as it may sound, look for opportunities to build a working relationship.

You’ll probably never have to negotiate a hostage situation, but you will find yourself in high pressure negotiations where the other side has most of the advantages. If you learn what works for hostage negotiators, you’ll be set with whatever negotiation you find yourself in.

Idea #8: Use Time as Leverage

Another leverage dynamic concerns time. Which group had time on its side?

Time can be an asset or liability, depending on how it’s used and your situation. Before the negotiation starts, understand what time pressure really exists, and if you have unlimited time, use it as leverage. If you don’t have a lot of time, try to create more alternatives that buy you time. But know the real and perceived time levers that will be used.

Idea #9: Listen, Repeat, & Summarize

As a rule of thumb, probe first, disclose second…What do skilled negotiators do that average negotiators do not? First, they ask twice as many questions as average negotiators….Next, they test their understanding of what the other side has said by rephrasing it in their own words (“When you say ‘ten days,’ do you mean ten calendar days or ten business days?”)… Third, they periodically summarize where they think the parties are in the process Finally, they listen carefully to all of the other party’s answers, taking notes and checking their notes for accuracy.

More negotiations are won through listening, not talking, even though the perception (as you see in movies) is the hero negotiator swiftly working their spoken magic as they trick and cajole the other side into giving in. In reality, the more you listen, the more you learn and the more you can craft your response to find common ground and meet your needs. It’s not fancy language that wins, but active listening.

Idea #10: Listen for “I want…”

Every time the other party says “I want” in a negotiation, you should hear the pleasant sound of a weight dropping on your side of the leverage scales. Your job as a negotiator is to uncover everything the other side wants and to investigate as thoroughly as possible just how urgent these needs are. The more they need what you have to offer, the stronger your leverage.

When you hear the phrase, “I want,” you’ve gain important knowledge that you can use to find a better deal for your side, or both sides, if possible. If you just worry about what you want, you’ll miss many options that create better deals for everyone.

Idea #11: Let the Other Side Know You’re Playing Nice

When you have leverage but choose not to use it, let the other side know that you view the transaction as part of a relationship. People in good relationships do not squeeze every nickel they can out of a situation. They treat each other fairly, even generously. Some day, it will be the other side’s turn.

If you want successful, recurring negotiations/relationships, don’t extract every last dollar for yourself. If you leave something on the table, let the other side know it. Make a good faith gesture that you’re investing in the future, not just taking everything you can.

Idea #12: You Don’t Have to Make the First Move; Instead, Listen and Let The Other Side Reveal Their Position

Mistakes like this are why many experts suggest you keep your mouth shut and let the other negotiator make the first move. You can always reject the offer if it is outside the “fair and reasonable” range. And you may be pleasantly surprised to find out that the other side is willing to pay thousands more (or take thousands less) than you expected.

Let the other side go first so you can learn more about what they want and what they will offer. While the anchor effect is real, if you’re prepared, you’ll know the terms and ranges that are reasonable and will fall for extreme set points.

Idea #13: Avoid Ridiculous Demands

Outrageous openings will drive your counterpart away. You will lose credibility. I define an aggressive first offer as the highest (or lowest) number for which there is a supporting standard or argument enabling you to make a presentable case. Your opening need not be supported by your best argument, but it should be justified by a presentable one.

Some negotiators try to set an anchor so far from reality it destroys any credibility and poisons the subsequent process. Sure, make an aggressive offer, but one that is grounded in reality and logic, even if you have to get creative. Don’t blow your trustworthiness by nonsensical demands.

Idea #14: Move Little on the Big Issues, Give In on the Small Issues

The rule of thumb for integrative bargaining is to make big moves on your “little” (less important) issues and little moves on your “big” (most important) issues. But remember the danger of concession devaluation and never give up anything (even a “little” issue) without a demonstration that the concession is meaningful to you.

This gets back to preparation. Understand what’s important and what’s not. What can be given away and what needs to be kept. Don’t try to think of this on the spot, or you’ll get twisted up in the moment and not get what you want.

Idea #15: Dealing With the Good Cop/Bad Cop Routine and Other Manipulative Tactics

This is just a manipulative way to make you grateful for the few crumbs the good cop is able to extract from the bad cop on your behalf. The way to counter the good cop/bad cop routine is simple: name the tactic publicly at the table and demand clarification on the issue of authority. Fight fire with fire…“It looks as if one of you is playing the good cop and the other is playing the bad cop,” you might say. “I had hoped we could use a more straightforward process to reach a fair deal. Before we proceed further, I would like to know who has authority to agree to what. I cannot negotiate with people who lack authority to close.”

You’ll come across many tricks from your opponents, one of them being the good cop/bad cop routine. The key to dealing with any underhanded technique is to 1) immediately call it out, 2) acknowledge the unfairness/inappropriateness, and 3) stop the process if necessary. It’s a sends a clear message that you know what’s going on and you won’t tolerate it.

Idea #16: Be Cautious Splitting the Difference

I think there are at least two important situations in which splitting is probably a bad idea. First, you should be careful that the midpoint being suggested is genuinely fair to your side. If you have opened at a reasonable price and the other party opened at an aggressive one, the midpoint is likely to favor the other party by a big margin…Second, when a lot of money or an important principle is on the line and relationships matter, quickly resorting to splitting may leave opportunities for additional, creative options on the table.

Splitting the difference is a crutch often used by those who don’t like the discomfort of negotiating and just want a resolution. That doesn’t mean it’s always suboptimal, just make sure it’s not a lazy shortcut with a big cost.

Idea #17: Use an Impasse to Reset, Regroup, or Send a Message

First, an impasse is not necessarily a bad thing…triggering an impasse can send the other party a message that you really mean what you say. When the other party keeps demanding that you compromise on a nonnegotiable issue, stop the process until they get the message.

Sometimes you just need to stop the process, whether that’s to send a message, take a break, or both.

Idea #18: Carefully Harness Emotion and Anger

Your effectiveness at the table when emotions run strong requires you to be hyperaware of your own emotional “surges,” filtering them through the lens of their appropriateness to what has triggered them, and then expressing your legitimate feelings in the way best calibrated to advance your goals. As Aristotle once put it, using anger skillfully requires you to be angry with “the right person, to the right degree, and in the right way.”

Anger is a like a loaded firearm: you better be really careful on how you handle it and how you use it. The best way to handle anger is practice: put yourself in negotiations with opponents that anger you. It’s only by going through it that you’ll learn to convert anger into a useful tool.

Idea #19: Apologize the Right Way

The simplest way to clear the air is something we were all taught as children but many still find hard to do: apologize. But note well: It is not enough to simply say the words “I’m sorry.” It is how you apologize that makes the difference. Communication scholars have examined the elements that go into making an effective, “full” apology. Express regret and remorse: “I’m really sorry. You have every right to be angry.” Take responsibility: “It was my fault. I take full responsibility for it.” Commit to change: “I can assure you it won’t happen again.” Offer a remedy: “Is there any way I can make it up to you?”

If you screw up, apologize. But do it the right way – with sincerity and commitment, not an hollow, hedged attempt that ducks responsibility.

Idea #20: Don’t Answer Every Question

There is no commandment in negotiation that says, “Thou shalt answer every question that is asked.

When you’re asked a loaded question, call it out and don’t answer it. When you’re asked a question with incomplete or disingenuous intentions, call it out and don’t answer. Fight the tendency to answer whatever is asked. If you’re being manipulated, don’t play the game.